For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
