her vagine was all disorganized.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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