I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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