I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
