it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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