Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
