To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder