You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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