420 ftw
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
