mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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