My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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