Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I believe in your delicious
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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