so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
