My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
