my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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