New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT