i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
farters have to be the big spoon...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
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Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.