I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches