"it" just moved
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the day after is always just damage control
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
