Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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