the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
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idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
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My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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