There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
