when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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