Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
