I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
