I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
