I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
