nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
