That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
