Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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