I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
