you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
