Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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