It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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