hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
