I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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