It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
