y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My hand turned me down
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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