no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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