Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
