His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
