I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
