Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
