im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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