I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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