How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
