What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
