I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
