Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
