I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
