So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
