as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
