he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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