I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
